It wouldn't be right not to put a cap on this blog. Mr. Miller passed from this life on June 4 2017. Without going into details that are personal and private, I will skim through the last couple years of his living while dying.
This man was blessed with unfathomable hope, forward looking and thinking. He had a strong belief in God, and that all things are possible. Whether or not I share that belief, I admired his strength and faith.
Mr. Miller received a year of chemotherapy, it drove his PSA down. But a CT scan indicated a new tumor that was not of the Prostate Cancer family. The cancer had evolved. Disheartening. But...Miller received radiation therapy, and that shrunk the tumor measurably. ( More hope) After that he was switched to a different chemotherapy to see if that would control the new mass. It did not. But the mass remained stable.
What is amazing about Costa Rica and its medical care, is that the doctors here still REALLY CARE about their patients. You can text, email, or WhatsApp them any time of day or night with a problem the patient is having, and an answer will come shortly.
Although his Oncologist and I had different feelings about reinitiating chemotherapy near the end of his life, Miller wanted to try anything that might help him to live longer. Death was looming by this time. The doctor's words were "I don't want to kill him with chemotherapy." Reasonable, without a doubt. My feelings were: "I don't want him to die because of not having it."
Since the chemo didn't have any dire after-effects I pushed for treatment, and against his gut feelings, the doctor complied. He did so, because that's what we wanted, because each person is an individual and responds differently to treatment, and "because I could be wrong" -- something NO doctor in the US would ever say out loud.
So treatment began again. Again, fatigue was the only side-effect. I don't know if we did the right thing or the wrong thing, but Miller eventually ended in the hospital with another episode - of his several episodes - of pleural effusion. (he had been hospitalized several times with this)
He was now nearing the end of his life, a fact which had become clearly evident to everyone (except Miller!) He still planned on coming home, gaining some weight back, and helping me around the house again. That was never to be.
This is a Catholic country. Miller was not Catholic. I was Catholic in another lifetime. So I called for the hospital's chaplain who happened to be a Priest. He anointed Miller, which I assume gave both of them peace. The next day Miller, tired of all the tubes going into him, said "Get these things off of me, I've suffered enough" The doctor complied and removed the tube that gave him some extra caloric intake via glucose. Miller went into a sleep-like state. I thought it was the end.
Suddently he awoke, eyes wide open, a bit agitated-not like him at all- and said "I've got more work to do." I was taken aback. This was quite out of character for him. This was not speech which was even likely to come out of the mouth of the Miller I knew and loved. He fell asleep. For the last time. I cherish the experience of being present at his death, his peaceful, calm, painless death. He had no physical pain during his ordeal, except for occasional back pain which could be controlled with Aleve. He was truly blessed in his dying experience.
I cherish the memories, of our time together, and the lessons learned, and those forgotten. I cherish our twenty years together. He will never know how much I learned from him. Nor how deeply I loved him, but I will know it forever. I know he is with me even today.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
The Chemotherapy Experience
Another year has passed. Two oral chemo drugs have now been administered. Zytiga was the first. Worked very well, and still does, however it raised his liver enzymes to toxic levels and had to be stopped. The next one is called Xtandi. Worked fabulously for over a year, and Miller was a new man once again. PSA low, and general well-being just awesome. I admire so much Miller's positive attitude. I am certain that this is half of the reason he is doing so well.
Along with these drugs, I have been making Marijuana oil for him to consume orally. He has taken this for a few years now. It is expensive, about $1200 a month. One thing purported by its users, and found to be true in Miller's experience, is that it keeps the cancer from spreading to the soft tissue. Organs like liver, pancreas, lungs and the like. And up to now, it has shown to be effective in this capacity.
At the oncologist's office the other day, the oncologist (a Tico) made the comment that he didn't feel the cancer was aggressive enough for him to be needing chemotherapy, because there was no metastasis to the visceral organs. I didn't bother to explain about the Marijuana oil, because when I broached that subject two years ago, he said that Marijuana might be a little helpful with nausea, but nothing else. So I just dropped the subject. Because you likely cannot educate the "educated" on the subject. I did send a peer reviewed report to him, upon which he made no comment.
In my mind however, the oil is the reason the cancer has not spread to the organs. And I firmly believe I am right about this. That said, the Xtandi stopped working and the PSA rose rapidly. Miami decided he was ready for chemo, and our local oncologist agreed to administer it.
So with heavy heart, we went to the local chemo center and Miller had his first treatment. Essentially it went very well. No nausea, no pain, no real horrible effects except for fatigue. Then the wait began. Would he respond? Without response, this would essentially be the last resort of treatment. We waited 3 weeks, and had blood work done. Then two very long hours before the results came in: The PSA had dropped! He was responding. Thank the universe!!
Three weeks later Miller received another infusion. Same lack of ill effects, but the fatigue grows stronger. Not good, for him, but if it extends his life then it will be worth the symptoms. We have a friend who has experienced chemotherapy here, and who graciously offered her services to drive us there, and to coach Miller on what to expect. We are both very grateful to this friend for her support and guidance. Another friend, a new friend, taught me to give miller the injections that will keep his white counts up.. this will help stave off infection, since chemo dangerously lowers white cell counts, and increases the risk of infections. We thank this new friend as well.
Today we meet with a doctor who will discuss installing a port for the chemotherapy, because Miller's veins are collapsing from the chemo. Miller is a bit afraid of the process, and I don't blame him. But I fear that it will become necessary one day. So we may as well face it now, while it is still optional.
That is where we are today. Keeping fingers crossed.
Along with these drugs, I have been making Marijuana oil for him to consume orally. He has taken this for a few years now. It is expensive, about $1200 a month. One thing purported by its users, and found to be true in Miller's experience, is that it keeps the cancer from spreading to the soft tissue. Organs like liver, pancreas, lungs and the like. And up to now, it has shown to be effective in this capacity.
At the oncologist's office the other day, the oncologist (a Tico) made the comment that he didn't feel the cancer was aggressive enough for him to be needing chemotherapy, because there was no metastasis to the visceral organs. I didn't bother to explain about the Marijuana oil, because when I broached that subject two years ago, he said that Marijuana might be a little helpful with nausea, but nothing else. So I just dropped the subject. Because you likely cannot educate the "educated" on the subject. I did send a peer reviewed report to him, upon which he made no comment.
In my mind however, the oil is the reason the cancer has not spread to the organs. And I firmly believe I am right about this. That said, the Xtandi stopped working and the PSA rose rapidly. Miami decided he was ready for chemo, and our local oncologist agreed to administer it.
So with heavy heart, we went to the local chemo center and Miller had his first treatment. Essentially it went very well. No nausea, no pain, no real horrible effects except for fatigue. Then the wait began. Would he respond? Without response, this would essentially be the last resort of treatment. We waited 3 weeks, and had blood work done. Then two very long hours before the results came in: The PSA had dropped! He was responding. Thank the universe!!
Three weeks later Miller received another infusion. Same lack of ill effects, but the fatigue grows stronger. Not good, for him, but if it extends his life then it will be worth the symptoms. We have a friend who has experienced chemotherapy here, and who graciously offered her services to drive us there, and to coach Miller on what to expect. We are both very grateful to this friend for her support and guidance. Another friend, a new friend, taught me to give miller the injections that will keep his white counts up.. this will help stave off infection, since chemo dangerously lowers white cell counts, and increases the risk of infections. We thank this new friend as well.
Today we meet with a doctor who will discuss installing a port for the chemotherapy, because Miller's veins are collapsing from the chemo. Miller is a bit afraid of the process, and I don't blame him. But I fear that it will become necessary one day. So we may as well face it now, while it is still optional.
That is where we are today. Keeping fingers crossed.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Conventional Wisdom
Well if you believe conventional wisdom, Miller should be only a memory by now. Thankfully he is far from it, at least emotionally, and in how he feels. He feels wonderful. The medications are doing very well for him, for as long as they are effective. Then its chemo, which in his case is unlikely to do much good, but it still could be helpful. When that happens, I fear we will have to move to Florida as was the original plan.. so he can get the appropriate chemo drugs that are not available in Costa Rica....
The FELON, in my mind, is responsible for this, although the VA has accepted full responsibility for his exposure to Agent Orange in Nam. So they foot the bills, and the FELON gets to enjoy his retirement. Not only did he wait 4 months after diagnosis to initiate treatment, time enough for the cancer to escape the prostate capsule, but when they did a follow up biopsy, (because the PSA did not drop at all) it showed up positive in one core, and the FELON reported it as negative to the other doctors, causing them to do nothing.
Why? you may ask...because, I assume, the FELON didn't want it to show that he erroneously placed the radioactive seeds in the prostate...too far from the actual area of the cancer... To show his total incompetence as a doctor, a practitioner, and as a MAN. What a worthless pile of crap. I am so sorry for those who have been treated by him.
The FELON, in my mind, is responsible for this, although the VA has accepted full responsibility for his exposure to Agent Orange in Nam. So they foot the bills, and the FELON gets to enjoy his retirement. Not only did he wait 4 months after diagnosis to initiate treatment, time enough for the cancer to escape the prostate capsule, but when they did a follow up biopsy, (because the PSA did not drop at all) it showed up positive in one core, and the FELON reported it as negative to the other doctors, causing them to do nothing.
Why? you may ask...because, I assume, the FELON didn't want it to show that he erroneously placed the radioactive seeds in the prostate...too far from the actual area of the cancer... To show his total incompetence as a doctor, a practitioner, and as a MAN. What a worthless pile of crap. I am so sorry for those who have been treated by him.
2015 Still Fighting the Fight
Things have not changed much over the years, and we are still fighting the good fight. However, now the fight includes the Veterans Administration, as well as the cancer, for the 4 years we've been here in the rainforest.
Mr Miller has had stage 4 prostate cancer since 2009, and here it is halfway through 2015. He has gone through the whole gamut of conventional and alternate treatments and cures. I make cannabis oil once a month and he ingests that 3-4 times a day. The good thing about marijuana's cancer effectiveness is that it helps keep the cancer from invading soft tissues. To this date it has not infiltrated his organs except for the bones. Nothing in the liver, lungs, pancreas, etc. So something is working. In addition to this he takes 4 cancer pills a day, plus supplements vitamins and alternative beverages including Chaga.
He has taken a whole host of "cutting edge" drugs, The last two, worked fairly well. The current conventional cutting edge drug is Enzalutamide or Xtandi. The cost is $7000 a month born by the VA. The one before this cost $5000 a month, but that one elevated his liver enzymes to more than 10 times the upper level of normal..one of the scales of laboratory measurements. And so this would cause liver failure. It worked to stop the advance, but it would have killed him through liver failure.
The Xtandi does not mess with his liver at all. And his PSA (I call it his 'chemical PSA") because it is unnaturally low, is 0.2. It was 18 a few months ago as we waited to get approved for taking this drug by the VA. And that is another whole blog which I'm not going to write..at least at this time. So Mr. Miller will stay on this drug until progression...which WILL happen one day unless a miracle intervenes.
The good thing about living in Paradise while dealing with dying is that every day is a joy. We wake up to beauty, birds incomparable sunrises and sunsets. That helps make every day exceptional. And we take many trips out of the country both for medical reasons and for enjoyment.
Our most interesting trip, two years ago, was to Lourdes, France via Barcelona. Lourdes is believed by the faithful to have healing waters, and there are 52 authenticated miracle cures attributed to its waters. Many, many other healings and improvements in health have also been recorded. We flew to Barcelona visited the city for a few days then took a train across Catalan, through the miles and miles of vinyards along the way, and finally to Lourdes and its healing waters and immense cathedral. Millions of people visit this shrine annually, and light candles or place written notes of their "intention" into a box in the shrine. The faithful form a never ending parade around the grounds to the holy water. Miller drank and washed in these waters, but the baths were closed due to a river overflow and the threat of pollution. And we brought some water home, and lit "eternal" candles, and were overwhelmed with the spirituality there. You could feel the "belief" in the air.
Since then we have returned to Spain, the Costa del Sol, just for a getaway, where we found that the Mediterranean was as cold as the waters of the Atlantic near Cape Cod Massachusetts in the early summer..maybe 65-66 degrees?. Brrrr. Of course by now we are used to the 80 degree water in our new home country's oceans. (Yes we have been granted residency here.)
Costa Rica is a very Catholic country, and 85% of the locals are Catholic. Even the busses have "God drives my vehicle" on them. Obviously there is no separation of Church and State here.
In this country there is a shrine, in Cartago, to "La Negrita" Our Lady of Los Angeles, that also draws a huge crowd to the Basilica in Cartago on her feast day in early August. Pilgrims flood here by the millions as well, for a week every year, and many of the faithful travel more than 25 miles from San Jose to Cartago on their knees.
Whether or not I have a strong faith in this healing, I do believe that positive thinking and strong belief can influence how the body fights disease--kind of like hypnosis. The power of the mind to control every cell in the body is indicative if not reflective of this capability.
Mr Miller has had stage 4 prostate cancer since 2009, and here it is halfway through 2015. He has gone through the whole gamut of conventional and alternate treatments and cures. I make cannabis oil once a month and he ingests that 3-4 times a day. The good thing about marijuana's cancer effectiveness is that it helps keep the cancer from invading soft tissues. To this date it has not infiltrated his organs except for the bones. Nothing in the liver, lungs, pancreas, etc. So something is working. In addition to this he takes 4 cancer pills a day, plus supplements vitamins and alternative beverages including Chaga.
He has taken a whole host of "cutting edge" drugs, The last two, worked fairly well. The current conventional cutting edge drug is Enzalutamide or Xtandi. The cost is $7000 a month born by the VA. The one before this cost $5000 a month, but that one elevated his liver enzymes to more than 10 times the upper level of normal..one of the scales of laboratory measurements. And so this would cause liver failure. It worked to stop the advance, but it would have killed him through liver failure.
The Xtandi does not mess with his liver at all. And his PSA (I call it his 'chemical PSA") because it is unnaturally low, is 0.2. It was 18 a few months ago as we waited to get approved for taking this drug by the VA. And that is another whole blog which I'm not going to write..at least at this time. So Mr. Miller will stay on this drug until progression...which WILL happen one day unless a miracle intervenes.
The good thing about living in Paradise while dealing with dying is that every day is a joy. We wake up to beauty, birds incomparable sunrises and sunsets. That helps make every day exceptional. And we take many trips out of the country both for medical reasons and for enjoyment.
Our most interesting trip, two years ago, was to Lourdes, France via Barcelona. Lourdes is believed by the faithful to have healing waters, and there are 52 authenticated miracle cures attributed to its waters. Many, many other healings and improvements in health have also been recorded. We flew to Barcelona visited the city for a few days then took a train across Catalan, through the miles and miles of vinyards along the way, and finally to Lourdes and its healing waters and immense cathedral. Millions of people visit this shrine annually, and light candles or place written notes of their "intention" into a box in the shrine. The faithful form a never ending parade around the grounds to the holy water. Miller drank and washed in these waters, but the baths were closed due to a river overflow and the threat of pollution. And we brought some water home, and lit "eternal" candles, and were overwhelmed with the spirituality there. You could feel the "belief" in the air.
Since then we have returned to Spain, the Costa del Sol, just for a getaway, where we found that the Mediterranean was as cold as the waters of the Atlantic near Cape Cod Massachusetts in the early summer..maybe 65-66 degrees?. Brrrr. Of course by now we are used to the 80 degree water in our new home country's oceans. (Yes we have been granted residency here.)
Costa Rica is a very Catholic country, and 85% of the locals are Catholic. Even the busses have "God drives my vehicle" on them. Obviously there is no separation of Church and State here.
In this country there is a shrine, in Cartago, to "La Negrita" Our Lady of Los Angeles, that also draws a huge crowd to the Basilica in Cartago on her feast day in early August. Pilgrims flood here by the millions as well, for a week every year, and many of the faithful travel more than 25 miles from San Jose to Cartago on their knees.
Whether or not I have a strong faith in this healing, I do believe that positive thinking and strong belief can influence how the body fights disease--kind of like hypnosis. The power of the mind to control every cell in the body is indicative if not reflective of this capability.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Two and a half years later....
Well two and a half years have passed, and Miller has been poked, prodded and examined by decades of doctors, specialists and alternative practitioners. He is still hanging on, but he has become hormone refractory, where the androgen deprivation no longer works. This means there is essentially nothing conventional medicine can do for him. We need a miracle, if there is such a thing. And we will try alternative methods of fighting this dis-ease.
Meanwhile, we married on November 27, 2010, and moved to Costa Rica in 2011. We have been living our lives as if this thing were not hanging over our heads, and we have had as much fun as is humanly possible since we arrived here. Every day "it" interferes some way with that fun, but Miller's cheerfulness and good nature rise above "it", and lifts me along with it.
He remains cheerful and believes he will get well. And while I don't ultimately subscribe to that belief, I bite my tongue and clear my mind to try to intake some of his positivity. God love him! He is a wonderful soul. And if I've learned one thing from this whole experience, it is the power of positive thinking. And the strength of inner hope.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Holding up under stress
Miller is holding up well, and still feels good. I think he does not need to work any more, though. So am devising a plan to help him quit. Looking at those cheap condos in florida where there is a glut. Right now a condo that sold for $145000 are selling for less than $50000.
Cant let the opportunity slip by. So if we buy one, we will rent out our first floor apartment resulting in a positive cash flow of about 800 per month. This should cover expenses in Fla. We can move there and enjoy what time we have together in retirement mode.
Looking forward to it.
Cant let the opportunity slip by. So if we buy one, we will rent out our first floor apartment resulting in a positive cash flow of about 800 per month. This should cover expenses in Fla. We can move there and enjoy what time we have together in retirement mode.
Looking forward to it.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Veterans Administration and Nam Vets
It turns out that exposure to Agent Orange can cause among other things, Prostate Cancer, and Glaucoma. Mr. Miller has both. So as a Veteran of Viet Nam during the appropriate time frame he is likely qualified to receive a disability pension.
The pension amount depends on the percent disability awarded to him. We go on Friday this week for their doctors to evaluate him, at the Newington facility.
Since his is a terminal illness, I am curious to find out what the VA considers to be an "appropriate" award. Time will tell.
The pension amount depends on the percent disability awarded to him. We go on Friday this week for their doctors to evaluate him, at the Newington facility.
Since his is a terminal illness, I am curious to find out what the VA considers to be an "appropriate" award. Time will tell.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)